I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
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Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
[Airport security]
Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes
Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.
Guard: Remove your shoes
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
🙂🙃🥹
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.