My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
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I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Not sure why iPhoto doesn’t have a “that’s my ex, please stop” button
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
Toured a marmalade factory today. That was jarring
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.
Told my kids we can’t have nice things because of them and 11 candidly says, “You’re the ones who decided to have kids,” so now I guess we don’t have nice things or comebacks anymore.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard
My second thought is virgin wizard
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die