Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
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Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
*accidentally likes a hot girl’s photo of a sandwich from 3 years ago*
Saint West, the patron of selfies
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
work smarter, not harder
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
The iPad Air is named after what’s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
It’s actually rude to shoot anyone, messenger or not.
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking