The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
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“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
[bar on St. Patrick’s Day]
him: SLANTY *clink*
me: I think you mean sláinte
him: no, slanty is how I stand after I drink Irish whiskey
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.
when u come home smelling like another dog
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
(seeing your lamp) you have a pet sun! (touching it, it burns) and i see it’s not trained very well 😐
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.