wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
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When I die, I’m donating my body to pseudoscience. I hope they’ll use it as Bigfoot bait.
My 6-year-old walked into the room and said, “Don’t worry, Dad. I’m OK.”
Time to search the house for whatever she destroyed.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
“A BETTER STRUCTURE FOR MEASUREMENT OF TIME THAT ISN’T AN ILLUSION CREATED BY MAN”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
…
“shit”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
j o i m p
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
Job interview:
– Good morning
– Good morning
– Have you got a twitter account?
– Yes
– Ok, thanks for your time. We’ll get back to you
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
i hope my email finds you on fire
Dear future self,
No, you weren’t robbed. You left your house like this.
Sincerely,
You, you dumb slob.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?