Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
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HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
I hate when I go to the gym and someone’s doing yoga on the napping mats.
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
After a particularly tense morning with 4, she looks me dead in the eye and says, “Did you know there are families without moms?”
It was nice knowing you all.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.