Grandpa: Look at you, shivering and hiding under the covers like a four year old. It was just a ghost story, no different than the ones I always told.
Me: BUT YOU’VE BEEN DEAD FOR 41 YEARS!
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Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
the rocks need my help
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
I don’t trust anyone who bikes to work for reasons other than a DUI
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
I won $6 on a scratch-off last night. Out of my way, peasants!
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant