Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
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Just sayin’ people weren’t catching the COVID back when we were eating Tide Pods.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Apparently speed dating doesn’t involve taking amphetamines. UGH.
Worst night ever.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
You look so comfortable in your own skin. Could I try it on?
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
nobody, nobody, nobody likes the guy who’s suspiciously knowledgeable about age of consent laws
IDEAL UBER DRIVER:
-Clean car
-Doesn’t talk to me during drive
-Plays good music
-When he drops me off tells me he’s my father who left when I was 4 & has secretly followed my life and has always been proud of me
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
In my first job, I had to proofread tampon box instructions. Grammar was good, but it was clear that they had no idea how a period works.
I like the song Cake by The Ocean
I just read this is their euphemism for “sex on the beach”You offer me cake
and there damn well
better be cake
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Just yelled “F, YOU GUYS!” to my students.
Another perk of being a music teacher…
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe