{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
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beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
These dogs look like they have good credit.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Do you think his parents looked at him as a baby and said “You look like an Engelbert Humperdinck”?
What does a cannibal eat for a snack?
Finger food.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask