i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
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When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
Godspeed, John Glenn
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
“Notice the way he uses colors.”
“How??”
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Me: ok what did you do
Cat: U THINK CAT AM ONLY BEING NICE 2 COVER UP CRIME??
Me: well there’s precedent
Cat: AM INSULTED
Cat: AM DISGUSTED
Cat: AM MOST AND GOOD INNOCENT CAT
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me:
Cat: FINE CAT AM PEE IN LAUNDRY BASKET
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
I found out why my computer keeps freezing. Apparently I’ve got too many windows open.
The answer is funnier than the question
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
im 7 sauces long
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”