when you’re supposed to be in bed but the grown-ups’ dinner party is too loud
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Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
Sorry random shopper probably wondering where those cheese sticks disappeared to, but in my defense you walked away from your trolley, they were the last pack and i’m weak around cheese
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
welp
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
robber: me n Lenny will handle this job tonight, obviously you’re gonna be lookout again…sorry Joe
giraffe: this is bullshit Steve
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow