Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
You Might Also Like
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
I just found my first full length gray hair. If anyone needs me, I’ll be at the senior center playing bingo.
[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
*bunny hops to the smell of bacon cooking
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
John Bobbitt: How long has it been since you last did one of these, doc?
Plastic Surgeon: Well, it has been a while. But I’m sure I can re-member.