Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
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Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Dyslexics are teople poo!
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Clean sheet day!!
*brushes Pringles crumbs over to his side of the bed*
a human soul weights about 1.5 lbs. I know this because I weighed myself before and after I got to work today
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
My dog loves going for hikes but I carry him for most of it because his feet get cold so I guess technically he likes being carried around in a winter forest setting.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
BlackBerry’s are great phones to have if you’re time traveling to 2005 and don’t want people to know you’re from the future.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Drive thru window one: “Can I have a name for your order?”
Me: “Free.”
Drive thru window two: “I have an order for Free.”
Me: “Thanks!”
*drives away quickly*
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
I just spent a ridiculous amount of time trying to spell Wednesday, so I canceled the event.