me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
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What idiot called them “Female condoms” and not Estrojans?
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Van Gogh’s girlfriend: my dearest Vincent, lend me your ear
Him: cuts ear off
Her: I just wanted u to listen to me
Him: nah, I’m good
some Old Testament wisdom
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Tony Hawk, age 6
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.