A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
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How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
WHAT DO WE WANT?
AN END TO AUTO-CORRECT ERRORS!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
COW!!!!
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
Surgeon: I need someone to unroll this bandage, stat!
Cat nurse, excitedly: I’ve got this.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up from a nap just to say, “hi.”
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
so weird how every mom was born today
I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.
Me: *coughs*
*coughs again*Husband: Are you ok?
Me: Yes.
*secretly opening the last sleeve of thin mints I don’t want to share*
Yep.
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
prisoner 1: what are you in for?
prisoner 2: murder
prisoner 3: arson
hamburglar: alright well it feels stupid now
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
My 3yr old lost her mind because I apparently hurt her doll’s feelings. I swear I’ve been nothing but polite to that doll but now it’s on.
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?