If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
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My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Them: Do any vampires die in this movie?
Me: No it’s pretty low stakes.
[my first exorcism]
Possesed girl: *contorting body like a spider owl hybrid *
Me: weird flex but okay let’s get started
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
*Sees girl trying to reach soup on top shelf*
“Here let me get that” I say [Beacuse I’m much taller]
*I put the soup in my cart & walk away*
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.