*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
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For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Plastic bags biodegrade quicker than my mum getting to the point on the phone.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
*sees money in my bank account*
oh crap i must have forgotten a bill
[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Only during a hurricane can you purchase a tarp, rope, duct tape and a shovel and no one questioned your motives.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Waiter: would you like flat or sparkling water ?
Me: garden hose is fine thanks
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
Is it rude to try and brush someone’s teeth while they’re talking to you?
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
“What are you going to be when you grow up?”
Tired.
The answer is tired.