[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
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Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.