I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
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There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.
Not to brag, but most of the problems that take Dora the Explorer 30 minutes to figure out, I can solve in like 18-20 minutes.
Men’s underwear should be called “manhole covers”
her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssstGOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
My wife handed me a clean towel and told me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
excuse me
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
felt cute might bury dad later idk
My mind is a steel trap…that was set off accidentally long ago and now works best as a paperweight.
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
This is always good for a laugh.
[Pompeii 79 AD]
me: wow can’t believe I’m finally a homeowner. Nothing could ruin this day.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.