馃槏馃槀馃グ馃槀馃槏
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Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
My friend thinks her husband is cheating on her. I don’t have the heart to tell her he’s just out chasing Pokemon.
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
Airports have the right idea. If you鈥檙e gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It鈥檚 only fair.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…馃悎馃惥馃槄
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn鈥檛-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
*Stands in wood & sets self on fire*
“OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING?”
I want to look hot on tinder.
I’ll stick with papa johns 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what鈥檚 wrong with these clothes?
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I鈥檓 going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn鈥檛 be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That鈥檚 all I got my man.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
We have a ghost. Came home and found the fridge magnets rearranged: “I see dreadful people.”
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
cigarettes make you look cool but they take years off your life. two good reasons to smoke
I hate when I go to Subway and they barely put any toppings on.
When I take a bite, I want it to look like I went head to head with a garden, and won.