Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.
You Might Also Like
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
Okey dokey.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Remember: if you see a tie on my doorknob, it means I’m taking the door to prom
IF I WIN THE LOTTERY MY CATS ARE GETTING GOLD TEETH AND CANOPY BEDS
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
*trying to sound cool to my son at dinner* bruh these vegetables be good AF
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.