[airport security]
*Beep*
“step through again, but don’t say Beep.”
*Alarm*
“Once more sir, but if u speak, I’ll shoot u.”
{thinks} *bzzt*
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What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
I lie in the bath for hours.
But I try to tell the truth the rest of the time.
If quitters never win, and winners never quit, who came up with, “Quit while you’re still ahead?” 🤔😉🤣🤣
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Kicked out of the aquarium for trying to sneak in a big straw
doctor: the bad news is you’re dying
me: so there’s good news?
doctor: not for you, no
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
Deep in the black void where my heart once beat, there lies a small, glowing ember– oh wait no that’s a Cheeto.
Why do we call them “restrictions,” anyway? Do you look at a life-jacket and think “there’s my drowning restriction”?
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
what do you want to eat?
what are you in the mood for?
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”