According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
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U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
me: who’s ur favorite actor
date: meryl-
me: before you answer, did u know air bud and beethoven were played by the same dog
date: holy shit
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
YOU CAN’T BUY HOT POCKETS YOU CAN ONLY BUY COLD POCKETS YOU ARE EXPECTED SUPPLY THE HEAT YOURSELF DONT BELIEVE THE LIES.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
*first day at gymnastics class*
Teacher: So you mentioned before you were really good at the bars? Let’s see it!
Me: Oh…um, sure? Hey man can I have 2 beers and round of shots for the table cheers bro.
Teacher: *under his breath* damn he’s good
People say eye contact is important when flirting, but when I put my finger in someone’s eye they never seem to like it.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
Marriage and prison are pretty much the same except in prison. sex with multiple partners is guilt free.