[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
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I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
EAT YOUR VEGETABLES!
-a mother who hasn’t eaten a vegetable that isn’t a potato in the last year.
Blew my mind.
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.
I off-handedly mentioned to my husband I hadn’t eaten anything today and he was kind enough to remind me I had a large caramel latte that was “probably a good 500 calories right there!”
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
me: *falling asleep*
youtube: check out these top 13 most gruesome spatula related murders
me: you have my attention
3yo: Mommy, look outside at the snow.
Me: It’s pretty isn’t it?
3yo: Yeah, it’s your favorite color.
Me: No, that’s not my fav—
3yo: Yes it is
6YO: Can I eat a cookie?
Me: Finish your dinner first
6YO: My stomach is full except for a circle shaped space
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
Every morning I announce that Im going for a jog, but then I don’t go…
it’s a running joke…
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.