Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
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Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
[at fancy-dress party shouting over all the barking]
“YOU NEED TO LEAVE”
me dressed as a giant vacuum cleaner: “I DIDNT KNOW YOU HAD 6 DOGS”
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
What did people do with pineapple before pizza was invented?
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
When I think how often I drop things on my feet, my childhood dream of owning a Lightsaber may have been catastrophic
showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Friend (seeing my bookcases): Wow, have you read all of these books?
Me: Have you?
Friend: No.
Me: Then yes. Yes I have.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Stop making fast and furious movies.
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
My phone case doesn’t expose the logo on the back. So it could be anything. I could be speaking on two mirrors with foam in the middle.
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.