On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
You Might Also Like
Biden: *picks nose*
Obama: Don’t.
Biden: *makes direct eye contact*
Obama: Joe.
Biden: *slowly brings finger to mouth*
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
girl: tough guys are hot
Me:
*hawk lands on my bare arm*I have a gauntlet I just never use it
*hawk gnawing on my shoulder*
I love this
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
I wish I could lose weight as easily as I lose my glasses
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
What even happened today?
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Bill is short for Billiam
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Moses was technically the first person to download files to his tablet from the cloud.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
People say I look amazing at my age. I just follow a simple routine of adding 10 years when I tell them how old I am.
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..