bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
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[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
hey 🙂 if you’re having a good day, i just want you to know that tarantulas can swim
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Thanks for saying ‘on your mobile’ in your bio, for a moment I thought you might be tweeting like me, from a calculator in the psych ward
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead