The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
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Why do they say “break a leg !” to actors ?
If you said “tear an ACL !” to a star athlete,
you’d be shot on the spot.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Would the person who has been writing my horoscope please lighten up.
[summons a demon]
demon: oh crap jury duty
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
A cubical is a great place to reflect on all the bad decisions you’ve made in your life
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job
Me: Toilet paper
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
A burrito.. in a bowl? Sure that sounds great! And while you’re at it, why don’t you rip the blankets off me while I sleep, u piece of shit
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
*sees cute boy checking me out*
me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards
Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
On the 9th day of Christmas my true love sent to me 9 ladies dancing, 8 maids a-milking, 7 swans a-swimming, 6 geese a-laying, 5 GOLD RINGS, 4 calling birds, 3 French hens, 2 turtle doves & a partridge in a pear tree
Hope the dancing hasn’t made the ladies hungry; birds all eaten
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.