Don’t make me mad or I will replace all your gummy candies with fiber gummies.
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Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Alexa, make me look good naked.
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Sex so good my Fitbit gave me a trophy.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
[Inside Trojan Horse]
OTHER GREEKS: *fearful/anxious silence*
ME: This is my first sleepover
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
It’s weird how obituaries state that someone was “survived” by, say, a son and daughter, as if the deceased hadn’t quite got round to murdering them.
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.