Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
You Might Also Like
I’m at the age where “pop, lock, and drop” is about my knee giving out instead of dance moves
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
My friends went out for Vietnamese without me and now I have Phomo.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
My dad: you know how you Love Christmas
12 yo me: yes
My dad: How would you feel about two of them
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Good morning
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.