“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
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Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
Currently accomplishing an astonishing amount of nothing, at a blistering rate.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.