Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
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Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Shout out to whichever childless person invented toys that erupt in an epic sound and light show when you toss em in the toy box at night.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
Me: What a gorgeous day! I’m going to *make the most of it.
*Pulls open the blackout curtains exactly one inch
“What do you mean “He used his mind?”
“I mean he never touched the gates. He destroyed them with his mind!”
“Oh my god…we’ve got a mad telekinetic duck on our hands. Get me the president!”
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.
My grasp of English, my journalism degree, and my sanity are all in question since I instructed my kids to put on “long sleeve pants” this morning
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Me: You can’t arrest me. I have to run a marathon today.
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.