The Struggle
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Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
imagine after whispering your sins thru the confessional screen you hear a toilet flush
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
Make your own bacon by tricking a pig into running headlong through a harp.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
[hugging mom at sister’s funeral]
“And you said I’d never be your favorite”
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
woman in car on news: “I’ve used up loads of petrol driving around trying to buy petrol” hm okay
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
My teenage son says that fanny packs are back in style at his high school. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR THIS MOMENT MY ENTIRE LIFE!
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad