I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
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you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
Parents *before their kids performance*: Here, snort these four lines of organic sugar
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Distraught after losing a full carton of milk, I tattooed its photo on my kid’s face, in hope someone recognizes and returns it.
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
[bank]
Associate: are you here to take out a loan?
Hitman: don’t worry, I’ll make it look like an accident
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
ME: That’s a lovely aerial shot of the beach. Where did you get it?
WIFE: Google Earth
ME: Ok, you’re gonna have to narrow it down a bit for me, Sharon!
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*