When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
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Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Me: you’re leaving me?
Her: [walking out]
Me: is it all of my-
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: omfg yes it’s the dramatic pauses
Me:
Her:
Me: -dramatic pauses?
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
M: We’re out of bananas
W: The good news?
M: *points to monkey in the kitchen*
me: I just want 2 minutes of privacy in the bathroom
my kid: best I can do is a paleontology lecture
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
Me: Remember, don’t bite the hand that feeds you
13yo: Unless you really want some hand!
I put the p in pants.
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
saw this in a dream