JOB INTERVIEWER: Talk about a time when a big project of yours didn’t work out as you hoped
ME: Well I got two English degrees
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Double negatives are never not confusing.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Who did this…? 💫⚡️
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Had a date today and it was nice. Will try raisins tomorrow
My new neighbour is breaking the law by making noise every night after 11. Do I call the police for this or confront the newborn directly?
Them: life is so unfair sometimes
Me, thinking of how I’ve never been befriended by a wild animal: yeah it really is
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
before therapy: i hate people
after therapy: i feel good about hating people!
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die