Geez man, take it easy.
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Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
*logs on Facebook
IT’S YOUR OLD HIGH SCHOOL BULLY’S BIRTHDAY TODAY!
*logs off
WAIT COME BACK!
YOU HAVEN’T HEARD ABOUT YOUR EX’S ENGAGEMENT!
It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
It started out How did it end
with a Sith up like this?
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
“We’ve been doing this for years, I simply can’t be bothered thinking up another long scientific name. Drink?” – people who named the fly.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Three steps to start a relationship.
1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
You see when you ask for nudes specificity is key. I have a whole camera roll of sphinx cats and I’m not afraid to use it.