is it earth
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I just love that new Pope smell.
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Car sex – for when you want risky sex AND improve your twister game
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
[trying to buy pants]
Clerk: Sir you need pants to shop here.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.