[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
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[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.
Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.
My alarm went off way too early today. I tried hitting the snooze button but as it turns out – my kid bites.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
At the beach, looking at all these fit young people, with their perfect bodies and perfect tans and I think “I wish I could be a shark”.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.
I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.