[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
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It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
Ten things only 90s people remember:
1. 1990
2. 1991
3. 1992
4. 1993
5. 1994
6. 1995
7. 1996
8. 1997
9. 1998
10. That sound the modems made
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
My guy makes beautiful dressers, but he leaves his drawers everywhere
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Woman love a men with good grammar
Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs