[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
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I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
If you complain about not being able to find your boyfriends name on a keychain that store will think you have a boyfriend
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
Before you reply to a tweet, take a deep breath.
Now hold it.
Hold it…
Hold it….
Hold it…
Keep holding it…
Die.
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Kim Kardashian turns 40 & gets a hologram dad greeting but all I got when I turned 40 was sciatic pain & my pop saying “that’s your mom’s side of the family”
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
[first day as a paramedic]
How much of their blood are we allowed to drink?