When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
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My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.
For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Me, after a minor inconvenience:
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
channeling her this year
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Smooooooth
Him: You’re married?
Me: Well, it’s Thursday. So, yeah.
Him: What about on Friday?
Me: Depends how Thursday goes.
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.