Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
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Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
Her: ‘We should have another kid.’
Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’
crying
Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Ugh, I’m starting to regret getting bangs.
“You don’t have bangs.”
Wait, what’s that thing you get when a bat bites you?
“Rabies?”
That’s it
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬