Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
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MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
I take my phone with me when I go down into the basement, so if I fall and can’t get up I’ll still be able to tweet.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
A milkshake in the yard yields hornets. Therefore, place a hidden milkshake in the yard of your enemies.
*struts into the new year
~ trips
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Dear North Carolina, if you let guys marry each other, you’ll have more available women in your family to date!
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’