If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
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A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
My son had to pick his towel up off the floor today. Apparently he’s forced to do everything around here.
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
Accidentally switched the baby formula with coconut milk and now my newborn is complaining that her lullabies are “too mainstream.”
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
when everyone’s out sick and you’re the only one working in the office all week
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.