I have a friend who doesn’t drink coffee, so to stay alert at work he gets a healthy amount of sleep each night. What a loser
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[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
My daughter went back to college today and I texted her that I missed her so much and she texted back 2.5 hours later, “Yes.” Then, “Sorry, that wasn’t for you.”
I WAS IN LABOR FOR 14 HOURS
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
Bartenders are just boneless bars
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
Sorry I can’t come to your thing tonight, I’m too busy figuring out an excuse about why I can’t come to your thing next week
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
I had kids because a job negotiating with terrorists just didn’t sound challenging enough.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Expect the unexporcupine.