Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
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girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Pass gas, not judgment.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
Halloween is great because you can buy yourself six bags of family size peanut butter M&Ms and nobody asks any questions.
No, YOUR illiterate.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
Just got fired from my job as a set designer. I left without making a scene.
“I don’t want to make a spectacle…”
Eye glass manufacturers last day on the job.
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad