Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
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spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
[trying to unhook a bra]
*kung fu noises*
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
“Stop asking why he doesn’t have a phone. He just doesn’t.”
— Watching Home Alone with my kids
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
My kid wouldn’t eat it after he ordered it so I had to: A parents guide.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
Friends that check up on you >
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off