Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
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DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
When angered, the female can text message at speeds of up to 1,600 words per minute.
OFFER
FINAL OFFER
BEST & FINAL OFFER
LAST & FINAL OFFER
SMART & FINAL OFFER
FINAL OFFER TOKYO DRIFT
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I’m sorry but when you call me ‘batshit crazy’ it’s almost starting to sound like you think it’s a bad thing!