american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
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her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
9 had to write three facts on sea animals for homework and the first fact she reported was, “Many people start fan clubs for sea otters,” so hopefully the next assignment incorporates some gentle reminders on fact-checking.
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.
My husband accepted an invite to a bbq for us and said we would bring a salad, like “we” has anything to do with it.
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
Slave1: I never knew my parents
Slave2: same
Moses: I was put in a basket & placed in a river
Slave1: do baskets float?
Moses: they do not
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
How To Make Lemon Squares:
Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!
*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*
Me: Nailed it.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.